Amorphous Email...November 13, 2004

And in the "growing big emotions" stakes, Stephen began setting the bar for Joni with this dispatch... That bar would be the "having standards" bar, and the "being in a real, grown-up relationship" bar. Seriously.

There's an honesty between Stephen and Joni, and the foundation for that cornerstone of their relationship was laid in this email below.

"Hi Joni,

I’m still coming down off the high from our exchange of emails earlier this evening! Anyway, this is the further email I was going to send you. There’s one topic in particular that I had in mind to cover in it, because it seems a kind of opportune moment.

What I had in mind was you and me or (dare I so phrase it?) "us". When I write or talk abut stuff like this, usually all I do is make a fool of myself, but it seems kind of right to do so. No, I’m not about to say "I like you, but not in that way" or anything like that. I’m not quite sure if I’m even trying to make a particular point: all I’ve got is a few random thoughts that I can’t seem to synthesise into a single thing.

Look, I think the core of it is that I’d hate to hurt you. Even though we’ve only known each other for about 2 months now, I kind of think I feel something for you, and (at the risk of saying too much) I get the impression you do too. I’m not at all an expert in interpersonal relations, and I’m kind of out of my depth in knowing a girl who likes me like I like her. I’m not sure what on earth to do! And I’m not entirely sure what it is that I feel, so I’d hate to mislead you and cause you pain. Look, if you lived here, right now I’d be saying you were my girlfriend. I guess you still are/could be despite being in another hemisphere. But because interrelationships aren’t my strong suit of experience, I’m not sure what to do or say that will tell you exactly what’s on my mind.

Umm, OK, that was totally amorphous and unhelpful. Another wandering thought is that (probably getting well and truly ahead of oneself here), I’m not sure about the long long long term issue – I can’t for obvious reasons, up traps here and move to the USA forever, and because you’re close to your family, it wouldn’t be fair to expect you to move all the way out here. Yeah, I know anything like that is an issue so far off in any hypothetical and emotional future as not to be an issue, but it’s something that niggles at the back of my mind. Which I guess leads back to the same issue of not wanting to hurt you. (See what being a lawyer does to you? You crave certainty to the ‘n’th degree!?!)

And, look, to allay a concern in your email of earlier today, no, the photo of you that you sent me doesn’t come into it at all. To be frank, I actually think you’re pretty good on that score! And yes, I *do* mean that. Put it this way: If I were going to a barbeque at a friend’s place, I’d have no qualms at all about taking you, and standing there in classic posture, with a beer in my left hand and my right arm round your waist.

OK, now I’ve sent you this shambles of vagueness, I guess all I can do is wait and see what you think. Apologies for the uncertainty in this email about what I’m trying to get across – I think you’d say it’s all in this grab-bag of things labeled "how I feel about you", and I can’t make it all fit together. It’s all honest, really it is – meaning I’m trying to tell you exactly what I think and feel about you. Maybe you can see some kind of sense and order in it all. I hope so. Look, I hope I haven’t been too over-the-top here. Hopefully even chaotic honesty counts as a plus!

OK, I guess I’ll hear from you soon.
Thine,

Stephen"